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I was chatting to my friend
Who was talking about his wife
He said it was her birthday
And she was giving him some strife!
I said "Why? Didn't you buy anything
To give to her today?"
Looking pretty shocked at me
He then went on to say -
"There's nothing that she wants
That I could ever buy
I've tried so many times before
But now I don't even try!"
I said "You must be joking!
I'm quite surprised at you!"
He smiled and said "Sometimes I'm telling lies -
But only half the time they're true!"
"Every year I've tried to buy her
Something wonderful and new
But I just can't seem to please her
No matter what I do!
I've done the pretty slippers thing
To enhance her tiny feet
And the table booked for two
So we could both go out to eat!
I've bought Designer Labels
So she could impress her friends
Had her name inscribed on bracelets
And bought lovely Parker pens!
She tries them on and then she cries
"Does my bum look big in this?!!"
But no matter what I say -
My comments she'll dismiss!
I could fill the Albert Hall
With all the flowers I've bought
But the look upon her face tells me
I'm two carnations short!
If I try to buy her chocolates
She screams "My God! They'll make me fat!"
I once took her to the movies and
She hissed "No way I'm watching that!"
It's so hard to please this woman
And I just don't know what to do!
But if you have got ideas then
I would be so grateful then to you!"
I said "Why don't you give her money
That would be no disgrace!"
"I tried that once" he said "and
She just threw it in my face -
In fact - every year I give her money -
Three ten bob notes and silver chance -
I just present her with the envelope
And try to keep out of her range!!
This birthday lark's a terrible thing
What is a man to do?
When it comes to buying presents
I don't seem to have a clue!
It seems that Anniversaries, Christmas Day
And all those Birthdays too,
I just cannot seem to please her
No matter what I spend or do!
So - I've told her that to make things right
Next years on her Birthday,
I'll book a trip and then pack a case
And just take MYSELF away!!
Because the best thing I can do for her
Is just not be in her life
And now I can't believe my luck!!
'Cos it's the FIRST time ever
That I've ever PLEASED the wife! |
